wham. bam. thank you mammogram.

 Whewwww. 

As I am typing this, blood is soaking through the gauze taped to my arm. Thank you hyper IV lady. Today I began my surgery preparation. First up was the infamous mammogram. I've never had a mammogram before but I have heard stories of pain and anguish and I was pretty darn nervous. I got to my appointment super early (for once), filled out my paperwork, played a little texas hold em on my phone (I dominated) and waited for them to call my name. Thankfully they said my name right, which has been my deepest fear since they announced me as Erwin Poo-well at jury duty. I followed the nurse to a changing room. She gave me a gown and I couldn't figure out how to put it on. Why are there ties on the inside and outside of the gown? Can't we just make this easy and put them one place?

The nurse took me into the x-ray room and then just stared at me like I was supposed to know what to do next? Seriously? Do I look like I get these on a normal basis lady? I took my gown off and realized my spray tan is in the I-need-to-be-scrubbed-off-immediately-because-I-look-like-I-have-a-skin-disease stage, and I was immediately embarrassed. I tried to explain to her why I looked like this and she calmly told me that I didn't need to explain. Great, now she just thinks I'm a freak. I just wanted to get it over with. I won't go into much detail at this point but they put my girls between a piece of metal and plastic and then cranked it closed. Let me just say it was the easiest part of the day. I honestly felt no discomfort at all which had me elated. I had psyched myself up for something way worse. Little did I know that would come later in the day.

After my mammogram I was scheduled for a breast MRI. I've never had an MRI before but I've seen it on movies and heard stories about how it can be scary and claustrophobic. Why I didn't psych myself up about this I have no idea but it was probably one of the most awful things I've ever been through.

My appointment was at 4:00. I arrived at 3:30. I didn't get into the machine until 5:00. I got out at 5:45.  I left at 6:00. The cleaning crew was already cleaning the halls and gave me weird looks while I was walking out because I was bawling my eyes out and smiling. I was genuinely so happy and thankful it was over.

When I got in the MRI room and saw the machine I started to freak a little. The nurse had me sit in a chair and put an IV in me. She told me they would inject me with some solution during the MRI and would take pictures before and after they injected me. I was asking a million and one questions and I could tell she was getting super annoyed. Am I going to fit in that hole? She laughed. It was a serious question. There was this weird thing sitting on the table. I had to lay face down on top of it, with my face in a hole like a massage chair and my girls in two holes beneath me. I laid my head side ways instead of face down because I knew if I couldn't see the exit I would surely freak out in there. They told me not to move and slowly moved me into the machine. The whole time in there was hard but those first few minutes were absolute hell. Once I got in there, I immediately started to panic in my head. I first tried rationalizing with myself.

I started by telling myself, I am doing this for my mom, for my aunt, for myself, for my future kids, for my family.... I kept repeating this over and over. I pictured my Aunt Mini looking down from heaven and being proud of me at that very moment. I thought of my moms battle and compared this minuscule step in my journey to what she's been through in life and that helped me calm down. When I stopped thinking about that, panic came again and I had to keep myself busy with more thoughts. In an attempt to calm myself down I gave into irrational thoughts like promising myself blue bell ice cream and tres leches if I made it through this, yes VERY IRRATIONAL. Next came thoughts of giving up. I literally thought of moving on purpose so that it would mess up and I could get the hell out of that thing. I did breathing exercises. Breathe in 1-2-3, hold it 1-2-3, breathe out 1-2-3. Those were pretty pointless. I started praying. I started repeating this one scripture that helps me when I'm scared- for God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind over and over. Then I sang in my head. The only song I could think of at this point was this church song we used to sing when I was super little which is weird because I know every song in the world and have them all memorized and I will sing them out loud when they are on the radio but I could only think of this one. It says you are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek, you are my all in all, seeking you as a precious jewel, lord to give up I'd be a fool, you are my all in all. Yes I would truly be a fool if I gave up now so I stuck it out and sang that for a while and then a voice came over the machine and told me they were going to inject me with the solution now. Perfect, I was just calming down people! I literally yelled out HOW MUCH LONGER and the voice came over the speaker and said a few more minutes. Thank you Jesus hallelujah praise the Lord God in heaven above, I was almost done. I felt the injection going into my body. It made me feel tingly and I couldn't move which was miserable. After about ten more minutes of the above thoughts and loud scanning noises I heard a door open and I cried out "is it over". They pulled me out and then like any anxious woman I cried. Mostly because I was so happy it was over and partly because I was honestly proud of myself for sticking it out. I know it may seem trivial that I couldn't lay in an MRI machine for 45 minutes but for me that is huge. I am kicking anxiety in the butt and it feels good. Surgery is going to be a piece of cake after that. At least I hope so.

I have my pre-op appointment with my surgical oncologist next Monday to get my medications ahead of time and finalize everything! I can't believe its almost here.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I will be back next week. We are heading to Houston Wednesday morning to have our annual Menchaca Family Thanksgiving with my moms side. I can't wait. This year is different for me. This journey has taught me what's important in life. Gods timing is so perfect. Have a great holiday friends!